Published on January 26, 2009
in General.
I’ve only known a few people in my life
who are not liars.
Sounds attractive, but nobody likes them.
It’s a very practical way of detaching from the world:
become honest and no one will want to be around you anymore.
No one wants mirrors, everybody wants biased portrait painters
who are not afraid to waste colors.
There’s a lot to be uncomfortable about
there’s so much room to grow
but the irresistible comfort of self-deception is just too great.
Truth hurts.
The word for a devotee is satyam, which means truthful in sanskrit.
(the funny thing is that a lot of devotees are the most pretentious people I’ve ever met)
There’s no question of becoming
spiritually perfected as a liar.
I’m a resentful painter
I blame you for forcing me to lie
but I’m not ready to let go of the
false image that you have of me.
I could choose to be alone
I could choose it every second.
Published on January 18, 2009
in General.
Here I am, banging on his gates
1. Praying
2. Crying
3. Bribing
4. Threatening
5. Blackmailing
Screaming to be let in.
No light comes on
Not a sound.
So I turn around and
6. wave my middle finger for a farewell
Let my tired legs lead from here.
And I will never find out that he wasn’t home
He was out in the night
Looking for me.
Published on January 17, 2009
in General.
My friend Kaisa Leka, who’s a pretty well-known comic artist in Finland, made a book of my decision to move to the monastery. She interviewed my mother, my ex-fiancee and myself, and told the story from three different angles. My mom told Kaisa stuff that she hadn’t even told me, and it was a little weird reading that kind of stuff from a book pretty much anybody can get their hands on, but I think it was also a therapeutic experience for the people involved.
My other friend wrote a review of the book, a review that I just stumbled across. To read it, click here.
Published on January 12, 2009
in General.
If religion is the opium of the masses
Then just give me my drugs, please.
What’s the harm in being addicted to the truth?
Published on January 7, 2009
in General.
I’ve kept my surrender canned up
for too long
and now all I have to offer
are these fermented prayers
Half-heartedly mumbled
forced love confessions
but God only likes sweet things
Published on January 5, 2009
in General.
Next week I will have my four-year anniversary of living in the monastery.
It’s truly amazing how fast these years have gone. I was 25 when I arrived here and I still remember the day so clearly. It had just stopped raining when we arrived at Audarya, you know how right after a downpour the air and the earth feels fresh and pure. There were puddles of water on the ground and the sun reflected from them and made everything seem brighter. The fog drifted in the redwood valleys around the property, and everything seemed peaceful and right. I was excited about and terrified of my new life. Here I was, on the other side of the world from my familiar surroundings around people who I hardly knew. And at the same time I was confident that it was the right thing to do.
I wrote the following to my journal in my beginner’s enthusiasm on that day:
California, 11th of January, 2005
The landscape was very scenic on the way. Grape fields and forrests and hills all around. And pick-up trucks.
We drove narrow roads up the hill and I was really looking forward to be there already. Finally we came to the Audarya property and it was like from a postcard. What a perfect place for a monastery. We walked towards the house and the cows paced to greet us. (…) I was very impressed with everything I saw. This is how a monastery should look like. And on the background of all of this are the pinetreehills with fog splitting the hills like in old Japanese paintings. Breath-taking. For a city kid like me, it looked almost unreal.
Towards the evening I started to feel restless. People have hard time adjusting to changes. I have read articles where people who have served long time in prison tell how utterly scared they were when they were released. And this is the kind of fear I was feeling. Freedom is a dreadful thing. Conformity follows no reason. It is to be seen wether I will correct my ways and live my life right or succumb to my criminal nature and go back to prison.
I was unpacking my stuff and thinking about my life in Finland. In times of uncertainty this is what seems to happen. But at the same time, I was feeling so much joy for being able to fight my fears and conformity and come here. I have escaped the Alcatraz!
Marriage counselors have a rule of thumb that says, “if in the beginning of your relationship you knew everything that you know about it now, would you go ahead with it?” If the answer is no, they suggest counting your losses and getting out of the relationship as soon as possible. If the answer is yes, then the relationship is on a healthy foundation. Living in a monastery is in many ways like marriage, it’s a big commitment. And if I had to take marriage counseling, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second when answering their question. I’ve had the most difficult times of my life here, but it has been so worth it. Sometimes the best thing is also the hardest. I can’t imagine living in any other way anymore. This is my life.
Recent Comments